The anger and hate currently growing in the United States are deeply troubling. But how do we respond? It takes a great deal of courage to resist the urge to scream back at someone screaming at you. But that resistance is exactly what we need to do. Compassionate leadership is what is required to break the cycle of hate and anger resurfacing again. Take these four steps to use your compassion to respond productively to hate.
Change yourself first in order to change the world.
It is natural to look at the significant upheaval in the world and think how much easier life would be if we could repair the breach. The reality is, however, that you change the world by changing yourself, not the other way around. We can only change the things over which we have autonomy.
Start from a position of openness to the situation exactly as it is. Don’t rush to judgment or be tempted to quickly find solutions to what is wrong. Recognize your own emotions and response to the hate. Acknowledge all of it – anger, frustration, desire for revenge, and more. Then, go to the place from which you can respond – non-judgmental awareness. It is from that place of awareness that we can go deep enough to truly bring about change beyond ourselves.
Avoid dividing the world into “them” and “us.”
Finding a connection to people acting hatefully is one of the hardest things to do in life and leadership. There is almost too much pain involved in not defining them as other. If we are to move forward, we must affirm our interconnectedness, and the truth of our shared common humanity.
The path through this dilemma is to recognize and find the root cause for the hateful acts so that you can understand. Unhealthy, unproductive, emotional responses arise from places we can all understand: a desire for safety; wanting to be loved, seen, and heard; a fear for not being able to live a meaningful life. One of the ways that we have found helpful to approach this challenging task is to use the Just Like Me practice. At the core, we are all the same.
It is very important to remember that acknowledging a common motivation for our actions doesn’t excuse or tolerate dangerous, unjust, or illegal behaviors.
Listen. Acknowledge. Understand.
Point by point rebuttals of an angry person’s positions are rarely effective. The likelihood is very high that they will have no interest in your logic or evidence. Angry, hateful people are so used to fighting that they are often surprised when someone doesn’t fight back. This approach has been a core principle of martial arts practices for millennia. You don’t overcome through resistance. You overcome by yielding.
Transformation of individuals is going to occur in personal, human relationships. Make the effort and expend the significant energy required to establish meaningful human connections. The role of the governing authorities – whether involved in legislating, enforcing, or judging our laws – has an important place in changing the world as well, and you should participate in that arena where you feel called.
Do what you can, and then let go.
We are finite humans. Recognizing our limits is an important reality that allows us to recharge and be strong enough to return again and again with compassion to strengthen the world. Expecting too much of our ability to change the world is a recipe for burnout. Take care of yourself. Appreciate what you are doing with thanksgiving. Your love and compassion will ripple outward powerfully.