When people hear the word compassion, they often think of the nurturing and kind qualities that are an important part of compassion. Compassion, however, is much more than that. It requires the strength and courage to act to relieve suffering even when such action may be very hard. This strength is particularly necessary when it comes to leading with compassion which is often labeled as “soft leadership.” A more realistic lens is that being a truly compassionate leader requires more strength and courage than old school command and control models. Fierce compassionate leaders stand in their own strength to make courageous decisions when necessary, and steadfastly hold the many paradoxical elements of oppositional emotional and organizational dimensions in real time.
Let’s examine the four elements of compassion - awareness, connection, empathy, and action – name apparent tensions in each, and explore the leader’s challenge to reconcile these tensions. In so doing, we can see that the “tensions” may not actually be in opposition to each other. Fierce leaders, in bringing these tensions into harmony, raise teams and organizations to a new level of effectiveness and flourishing. This is what makes compassionate leadership so demanding and rewarding at the same time.
Awareness: Intensity and Calm
Have you ever watched a firefighter or EMT at the scene of an emergency? They move about in systematic, measured ways, sometimes so much so that it appears that they don’t grasp the full enormity of the situation. What they understand is that when lives are on the line their most effective response is to maintain their calm. Emergency responders are trained extensively on how to keep their cool under fire, because our human reactive instinct is to forsake thoughtful responses and be hijacked by fear.
For leaders, it takes practice and strength to remain calm when urgent situations and crises arise. The ability to respond calmly is the sign of an intentional and compassionate leader. Balancing intensity and calm focus requires a fiercely trained emotional IQ, and permits a leader to maintain their attention on thoughtful, decisive next steps.
Connection: Acceptance and Change
When mistakes and failures occur, it’s the leader’s role to improve the situation, and prevent recurrence. Doing so, however, requires the ability to understand the origin of the problem without judgment while simultaneously being discerning enough to know what needs to be changed. The temptation can be to blame or shame others for their weaknesses. While it is often those weaknesses that led to mistakes or poor actions in the first place, shame does not work.
As Carl Rogers said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” The same is true for others. When we can appreciate that, just like us, our colleagues are human, we can begin to find the most helpful way to respond. Many people fear that understanding the source of mistakes is the same thing as approving of the mistakes. Understanding the humanity of our colleagues, however, does not mean approving of negative behaviors or mistakes. It simply means that we accept that they arise from something we all share – being human.
This is the tension that must be held: accepting everyone’s humanity (including our own) and all the messiness that entails, while not deeming the mistakes we cause to be acceptable. This is a demanding requirement of compassionate leaders.
Empathy: Resonance and Emotional Distance
When leaders recognize the humanity of their colleagues, they allow themselves to come into closer contact with their colleague’s suffering. Unfortunately, especially in individualistic western cultures, the typical response is “It’s not my problem.” We recognize the faulty logic on which that response is based when we open ourselves up to our deep interconnection to others. It becomes clear that the suffering of others is the suffering of everyone. To lead compassionately, we must allow ourselves to experience the emotions of others.
The challenge then becomes how to connect to the emotions of another without allowing those emotions to overwhelm us. We don’t take these problems on as if they were our own. That would be using the same faulty logic mentioned above, while simply transferring ownership to ourselves. If we make that choice, we will burn ourselves out. Fierce compassionate leaders are able to connect directly to the feeling of their colleagues without becoming overwhelmed.
Action: Wisdom plus Courage
The clearest need for fierceness from compassionate leaders comes with the wisdom and bravery needed to take action and direct others into action. Every choice leaders face will have its own set of difficult consequences. To promote one person means to not promote another. Pursuing one strategic initiative will mean that there are others that fall by the wayside.
Compassionate leaders have the wisdom to understand why a given choice is best and the courage to have the difficult conversations around those negatively affected by that choice. It is in the realm of action that compassionate leaders most distinguish themselves. They are able to convey confidence and commitment to a path of action while simultaneously acknowledging risks and vulnerabilities. Compassionate leaders take responsibility for the choices made while sharing credit with all those whose work has gone into a specific task or project.
Compassionate leaders have the wisdom to know what is right and the courage to lead action toward that end.
In Closing…
Compassionate leadership has a nice sounding feel to it, doesn’t it? In reality, it is a highly demanding discipline, one that requires fierce skill in balancing what appear to be conflicting objectives, but which, in reality are not actually opposed. Compassionate leadership is the capacity that brings these paradoxical dimensions into harmony: calmness and intensity, acceptance and change, empathic resonance and emotional distance, wisdom and courage. Holding all of those together leads to actions that strengthen organizations and all those within.