Compassion Hesitancy at Work
In many workplaces, the idea of talking openly about compassion still feels risky. Leaders may care deeply about people, yet hesitate to use the word itself. Others fear being seen as weak, naïve, or unprepared for the competitive realities of modern organizational life. Why is it so hard to talk about compassion at work – and what can we do about it?
Once we understand the roots of compassion hesitancy, we can meet it skillfully and create workplaces where compassion is understood as a source of both safety and strength.
Why People Hesitate to Talk About Compassion
In their research paper Fears of Compassion, psychologist Paul Gilbert and colleagues conducted pioneering research into the fears of compassion, including the fears of giving compassion, receiving compassion, and practicing self-compassion. One of the clearest findings: people worry that compassion makes them soft.
When we look closely at the most common concerns around giving compassion, they cluster around two themes that are particularly important to understand for leaders:
If I show compassion, others will take advantage of me.
If I show compassion, I will make others weak, dependent, or less capable.
These are understandable human fears. Many arise from experiences in competitive environments that reward self-protection and individualism. When we operate in systems that feel unsafe or adversarial, it makes sense that leaders feel the need to armor up and protect themselves.
But compassion is not pity. It isn’t sympathy. It is not indulgence. It is not enabling. And it certainly isn’t allowing harmful behavior to continue unchecked.
The hesitation leaders feel often reflects a partial understanding of compassion – not the whole picture. While compassion includes nurturing actions that are comforting, warm, and kind, courageous compassion enables leaders to create boundaries, engage in truth-telling, and confront exploitative systems. Compassion is a form of strength, not softness.
Looking Beneath the Surface: The World We Think We Live In
To understand compassion hesitancy, we must also understand the cultural waters we all swim in. For many people, the workplace is synonymous with competition: a “dog-eat-dog world” where kindness feels risky and vulnerability feels dangerous.
This mindset creates a scarcity mentality, and we grip harder. When we see someone else reach for something, we may feel compelled to compete for it ourselves even if we didn’t want that thing to begin with. Competition narrows us. It makes us more defensive and less open. It shuts down information-sharing, collaboration, and trust. We start behaving like independent islands and think that’s what everyone else wants, too.
Research from Nicholas Epley and Juliana Schroeder illustrates this beautifully. In their study “Mistakenly Seeking Solitude,” they asked research participants to talk to strangers on a train. Nearly everyone assumed others wanted to be left alone. Yet the consistent response was surprise at how much strangers sincerely wanted to connect.
This mirrors organizational life. We underestimate other people’s desire for connection and overestimate their desire for independence or self-protection. This misperception has significant consequences. Todd Rose, in Collective Illusions, shows that groups often express norms that individuals don’t actually believe. Many leaders genuinely value compassion but fear others don’t. So no one speaks up, and the illusion persists.
People want connection, collaboration, and safety. But fear often speaks louder than desire. This is where compassionate leadership becomes essential. Somebody has to go first and speak up to say: “We can do this better together.”
How Compassionate Leaders Can Respond
So how do we navigate compassion hesitancy?
We offer a simple acronym: ACE – Acknowledge, Clarify, Embody.
1. Acknowledge
To meet people where they are, begin by widening your own worldview. Acknowledge the fears behind their hesitation without judgment.
You can say, in essence:
“I understand that you want strong results, you want safety, and you want a thriving organization. So do I. And compassion is a proven pathway to those outcomes.”
Acknowledgment understands people’s concerns and invites a conversation, not a confrontation. It recognizes that fear of offering compassion arises from a protective instinct. When we meet that fear with understanding rather than judgment, we build trust.
The 13th Century poet Rumi expresses the invitation beautifully:
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”
Acknowledgment is how we meet people in that field.
2. Clarify
The next step is clarity: helping people understand what compassion is and what it isn’t.
You can help create a deeper understanding and gently correct misconceptions:
Compassion is courageous, not indulgent.
Compassion is empowering, not weakening.
Compassion involves boundaries, not enabling permissiveness.
Compassion is a systemic force, not just an interpersonal gesture.
The evidence for the organizational benefits of compassion is compelling: compassion strengthens engagement, creativity, loyalty, and performance. With clarity, people can begin to understand the logic behind why compassion works. And while we should avoid instrumentalizing compassion by reducing it to a business tactic, it’s important to name that compassion reliably produces healthier, more resilient, and financially stronger organizations.
Clarifying what compassion actually entails invites others to expand their perspective and opens space for curiosity rather than resistance.
3. Embody
Finally, compassionate leaders must embody compassion. This is where credibility and trust are built.
Small, consistent actions matter:
Greet people warmly.
Be curious.
Be courageous when truth is needed.
Make eye contact.
Show genuine interest in others’ work and lives.
Interpret generously.
Respond with understanding instead of judgment to even the smallest things.
These daily behaviors create ripples. They influence team norms and, through repetition, shape cultures.
Compassionate action goes beyond interpersonal gestures into the culture that is embodied in organizations. Leading compassionately at the systems level through roles, routines, networks, and culture makes compassion the water people swim in and the air they breathe.
This might look like:
Revising job descriptions to include responsibility for care and connection.
Designing meeting routines that give a voice to the full range of personalities.
Establishing communication norms that give people permission to rest.
Building networks grounded in relationships of mutuality, vitality, and positive regard.
When leaders model compassion and design for compassion, people feel safe enough to follow.
Choosing Courage in a Collective Illusion
We live in a moment where many people yearn for more compassion at work, but fear they are alone in wanting it. We hear this consistently from members of this community. When compassionate leaders speak up, they help dissolve that illusion.
And when they act by acknowledging fears, clarifying misconceptions, and embodying compassionate behavior, they become catalysts for a different way of working.
The world is hungry for compassionate leadership. Compassion hesitancy often stems from a desire for safety. And that is exactly what compassionate leadership offers. In that regard, compassion truly belongs at work.
The invitation is simple:
Go first. Lead with courage. Speak the word “compassion” aloud and embody it. Others are more ready to join you than you think.
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